Monday, July 30, 2007

Growing Up Together

A series of thoughts, memories, and podcasts all came together recently and left me wondering if I could play a role in getting my kids to really like each other as they grow up (too fast) and be one another’s biggest fan. Sure, they’ll probably “love” each other, but I want them to stay involved in each other’s life, be there for each other – voluntarily. I think we all want our kids to get along and not fight so much, but why is it that some kids grow up to be best friends while others grow up and grow apart? I’m sure there’s a ton of answers to that question, but what if? What if Angela and I can influence what direction their relationship goes? That would be awesome!

Thinking of how to approach parenting generally produces all kinds of anxiety for me. I mean just getting them to stop and listen can sometimes be maddening; the thought of taking it past that and moving toward intentional positive development is downright intimidating. Hey, I’m afraid I’m too normal of a guy in that I take many of my parenting cues from my better (and more insightful) half when it comes to rearing our youngins’. After all, she’s the mom – she has the book on this subject, right? Well, she’s certainly read more about than me to her credit. Still, what if?

I was listening to a podcast by Jeff Kapusta, the pastor at Lifepoint Church in Wilmington, with his wife Michelle. They were talking about love languages, a concept on how to communicate love, especially within marriage, developed by Gary Chapman. Jeff and Michelle were each talking about their individual love languages and how they developed them growing up based on each of their respective families. Having 2 young children (4 & 2), I am keenly aware of language development (for example “Not ‘yam’ but ‘yes’” sigh). This got me thinking about how to develop love languages. Sure, everyone develops at least one, and odds are pretty high that Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, and Quality Time will rank high for our kids since those are Angela and my primary languages. But maybe we can impart a healthy development of Physical Touch and Gifts while we’re at it. It would be like a kid growing up in Europe, being able to speak, like, every language, whereas I can only speak English.

At the same time I was recalling a memory from a radio broadcast I heard a couple years ago from Family Life about one of the host’s family and how his grown children appreciated and genuinely expressed love for one another. His kids were able say, with a straight face, what they admired in one another. I thought, “Yeah, I want my kids to do that when they grow up.” But what if I don’t have to wait for them to grow up to start doing this?

Around this time I went off on a tangent and got to thinking about how many relationships stagnate and crumble. Of course, the most glaringly obvious and disastrous of these stagnant relationships is marriage. It is heartbreaking how pandemic this problem is in our culture, and from personal experience, frightening how easy it is to “catch”. Simply take each other for granted, stop expressing love, keep communication superficial and, presto, stagnant marriage… or worse. Sure, it can happen with any relationship, but I think marriage is a pretty identifiable scenario. So what does this have to do with my kids? Well, fortunately I got to thinking the same question and pulled the tangent back to the topic and here’s what I came up with: left to their own course, it makes sense that sibling’s relationships grow stagnant. I mean, they know each other their whole life. They have to share, take turns, sit in the same back seat for countless hours. How do you not take each other for granted?! I think once that’s established, it becomes very difficult to express appreciation and love. Lastly, if appreciation and love are not foundational parts how they relate to one another, I fear we’re left to a coin toss on which way they go when they fly the coop.

So what to do about it? What intentional steps can we take? Fortunately, we already have them accustomed to praise and physical touch. It’s not uncommon for them to come up to us and say something like, “Good job, Daddy, I’m proud of you!” (of course, there’s still the occasional “Be quiet, Daddy” which isn’t as heartwarming). We also get lots of hugs. But maybe we can get them to start praising each other. Maybe rather than saying, “Good job, Judah!” I can say, “Rebekah, didn’t Judah do a good job? Let’s tell Judah how well he did!” It sounds kind of corny, but I’ve learned my kids are still young enough not to care about that.

Maybe if we can impart this language in their formative years and it will easier to keep going as they get older. An old physics motion is that Sliding Friction is easier to overcome than Static Fraction, or put another way, an Object in Motion Tends to Stay in Motion while an Object at Rest Tests to Stay at Rest. If we get the ball rolling – spend Quality Time as a family, express Words of Affirmation and involve them in the process, offer lots of hugs – they do give hugs when saying “sorry” to each other, bring them in on buying last minute Gifts (since they can’t keep a secret), and have them Serve each other – maybe we can keep the ball rolling.

Then, when they’re in that dreadful stage – the teens – and they aren’t talking to us as much as we’d like, maybe they’ll talk to each other. Maybe then and beyond then they’ll be there for each other when a relationship goes bad, when they get cut from the team, when they make the big shot, when they want someone to just hang out with. Maybe they’ll even grow up and be able to say, with a straight face, what they really admire about each other.